The Discomfort Zone
Over a two years ago now, I quit my full-time job and went backpacking around the world.
Up until then, I had always set myself a very strict goal, which meant I spent a lot of my time following the road that my goal paved out for me. I am very driven and this pattern was smooth as I could visualised it’s very clear boundaries. I went to college, and studied hard. I studied Fine Art, my passion; and Media, as a back up. I travelled throughout my degree and managed to graduate already having had a taste of travel. I bounced right back into education and started studying Allied Health full time, whilst working in rehabilitation full time. In 2015, I realised that I whilst I loved my job, I wasn't feeling quite satisfied enough.
While the story of my life has ebbed and flowed between mainstream routs of success and the creative alternative, I find I have always reverted back to the latter. I have always struggled with my hearts inner yearning to create, which is contrasted to the way society gauges success (that is so frequently equated to a career). And while I have a wonderful career and work for a company that I love, I still have this unsatisfiable hunger in the pit of my belly that craves creative haunts. It wants me to taste the dirt in the air, it wants me to feel through colour, it wants me to bring my eye into focus, to feel what it is to have freedom and it wants me to articulate words I have not even spoken. It wants me to feel satisfied in the struggled and overcome the challenge.
This ebb and flow started at the age of eight. I was attending a little catholic school that was local to my childhood home and whilst I love learning, I hated school. Strict rules meant there was no running allowed in the playground, among many other things that proved to stifle me. My parents knew I needed change and ended up sending me to a Steiner school, an alternative form of education. I thrived.
My parents earth child reformed and I was back to my barefooted, paint covered, hair matted, grubby little roots. Hours spent in the bush each day, rolling down dirt hills after school with friends, learning how to be.
Shortly after that little bout I ended up back in a mainstream high school, with strict school uniforms and rules I had to comply to. This routine has occurred numerous times since, bouncing between regulation and autonomy. And whilst I have always known art to be my vice, I dream of the day that I can take the step to leave my other career to dedicate my self to art making entirely. I know the decision will not be easy, and I know after I make the leap it won’t get any easier. I know I will have to work very hard to shut down anxiety and a doubt waging war in my mind. But, I know it will be the right one because I will no longer be sustaining this pattern of bouncing between structured careers and creative freedom.
I use this blog, as a space to share my minds inner workings. A space to become vulnerable. I want people to understand that this route is not easier, or smooth, nor does it have clear direction. But, it is an adventure and if your life isn’t about experiencing new adventures then you are doing it wrong. I will share with you some of the new boundaries I have implemented to help me harness my discipline. I will share with you some of my glimmers of success and when I feel I have a creative barrier that I will never get past. Ultimately, choosing this road is risky and sharing some of my routines and my experiences might help someone else when they are struggling centring their own internal compass. And at the end of the day, I am the only one who gauges my own success or failure.
I will continue posting little updates here and there. If any of the content resonates with you, please reach out! I love chatting to people and I am always open to new collaboration opportunities.